Holy Sh*t: The Internet Is Flooded With Brett Sutton Merchandise
If there’s one ray of sunshine to come out of the clusterf*ck of a year that is 2020, it is the collective adoration of Victoria’s Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton expressed in the form of merchandise.
The southern state’s locked-up housewives — and househusbands — haven’t been shy in airing their lustful feelings for the silver fox professor. There are public Facebook fan pages and private groups, an erotic fan fiction Twitter page, and several Instagram accounts filled entirely with pictures of the CHO’s face at different stages of stubble growth, and one very thirsty throwback… Yeah, you know the one.
But dedicated and resourceful fans have taken their unfaltering appreciation to the next level by creating an assortment of Brett Sutton-inspired products. There’s a lot of ‘em, which is why I’ve embarked on a very serious investigative deep dive to bring you some of the best. You’re welcome.
The Ultimate Product Guide For Brett Sutton Fans:
Cushion
The Good: You can literally sit on a young Brett Sutton’s face.
The Bad: Definite creeper vibes.
Buyer Tip: It might be a good idea to hide this cushion when you have guests over, or you’ll find yourself on some kind of watch list.
Apron
The Good: A very practical accessory for the person who likes to cook.
The Bad: The use of pandemic purple in the design may be triggering for some Victorians.
Buyer Tip: Get Brett hot and steamy by wearing the apron while hovering over your bubbling pots and pans.
Tote Bag
The Good: Functional, useful and environmentally conscious.
The Bad: It’s not big enough to help carry the weight of Victoria’s public health crisis.
Buyer Tip: Only fill it with dry, light groceries to avoid food-related soiling.
Clock
The Good: With neutral tones in the colour palette it will fit in nicely with your existing decor.
The Bad: Every morning and night at about 9.50, Brett will look like a speed dealer.
Buyer Tip: Take the clock hands off and the batteries out and use it as a decorative plate.
T-Shirt
The Good: Breaking down toxic masculinity, one straight guy with a crush on Brett Sutton at a time.
The Bad: N/A. This design gives me life.
Buyer Tip: If you work for the Victorian Health Department, it’s best to avoid wearing this during your zoom meeting. .
Duffle Bag
The Good: It showcases the many faces and complexities of being Chief Health Officer.
The Bad: You won’t be able to use it for travel anytime soon.
Buyer Tip: If you’re contemplating doing a Schapelle Corby, choose a more inconspicuous design.
Face Mask
The Good: Classic 90s sitcom vibes which are very much in right now.
The Bad: We’re heading into Summer and the black will get your chin/lip/nose pretty hot and sweaty.
Buyer Tip: Once you’ve outed yourself as a ‘Suttonette’ — or a ‘Friends’ fan — there’s no going back.
Throw Blanket
The Good: You can claim you’ve slept with the CHO.
The Bad: It crosses the funny/creepy line.
Buyer Tip: Best to get this if you live alone.
Baby Onesie
The Good: Semi-vague reference which means you have plausible deniability should someone question your loyalty to your baby daddy.
The Bad: Is yellow, black, and white really a necessary colour scheme?
Buyer Tip: You’re gonna need a baby for this one.
Poster
The Good: Brighten up your working from home situation.
The Bad: Not appropriate for the actual office once restrictions ease.
Buyer Tip: Laminate Brett to help him last longer.
Coasters
The Good: Add something fresh to your at-home drinking sessions.
The Bad: They could drive you to the drink even more than an oppressive lockdown has.
Buyer Tip: Add these Brett Sutton stickers to customise each coaster.